Journey to the Past
by SVUlover14
Summary: When a woman comes into the precinct to report a case of sexual abuse, Olivia discovers ghosts in Alex's closet. A/O CHAPTER 20 IS UP! Review for more!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. Everything belongs to Dick Wolf.**

It was Friday, and Olivia couldn't wait to go home for the weekend. She and Alex were planning on going up to the Cabots' "cottage," which was really a mansion in disguise. She just had a few more things to do and then she could go home to her girlfriend.

She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder, but smiled when she realized it was just Elliot. "Sorry, El. You scared me."

He raised an eyebrow and inclined his head toward the doorway. "I think someone's here to see you."

Olivia looked up from her paperwork to find a tall, nervous-looking woman with shoulder-length blonde hair standing in the doorway. "Can't you deal with it, El? I have plans this weekend, remember?"

He shrugged. "I think she'd be more comfortable with you, considering she's been standing there for the better part of an hour."

Olivia sighed. "Okay. I'll tell Alex I'll be late – again."

"Hey, I can do the interview if you really want me to, but honestly, Liv, Cabot will understand."

"I know. I just feel bad about leaving her alone so often and cancelling our plans last minute. I mean, I tell her I'll meet her at Dante's at eight, and by nine, I'm still not there and she's calling me, frantic, but I don't even pick up the goddamn phone because I'm interviewing a rapist. She doesn't get upset or anything, but –" She sighed again. "Sorry. I'm whining."

"It's okay. I feel that way sometimes, too. And the moments I've missed with my kids because of this job, I'll never be able to get back. But with this job, we can give another person a chance to have those moments. That's the important thing, right?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. I'll just text Alex and tell her I'll be late." She sent Alex a quick message and walked over to the young woman standing in the doorway, shifting her feet and fidgeting. She couldn't be more than 24 or 25, Olivia figured, and gave her a smile. "Hi, I'm Detective Olivia Benson. Can I help you?"

The woman glanced back and forth, as if making sure her attacker wasn't in sight, then said quietly, "I want to report a case of sexual abuse."

Olivia nodded understandingly. "Okay. Why don't we go somewhere more private?" She led the woman into an interview room and gestured for her to sit down. "What's your name?" she asked.

"Amanda," the woman replied.

"Okay, Amanda. Can you tell me what happened?"

Amanda dropped her gaze and started to play with the seam of her shirt. "When I was younger, my – my sister – she was four years older than me. She used to – make me do things I didn't want to do."

Olivia nodded. "What kinds of things?"

"She used to touch me," whispered Amanda. "She used to make me myself, or make me touch her. I told her I didn't like it. I told her to stop, but she wouldn't. When our parents weren't home and she was supposed to be babysitting me, she would come into my room and she would abuse me. She said it was a game, and it would feel good, but it didn't. It hurt, and I told her so, but she didn't listen." Amanda took a deep breath. "I never told anyone before."

Olivia nodded again. "How old are you now, Amanda?" she asked gently.

"23."

"When did the abuse start?"

"When I was five and she was nine. It went on until I was twelve and she moved out."

Olivia took a deep breath. She didn't know how she was supposed to say this – there was never a good way, but she had to say it anyway. "Amanda, I'm sorry, but the law says that these crimes have to be reported within five years of them being committed. The statute of limitations on your case has run out."

Amanda's eyes widened. "So that's it? There's nothing anyone can do anymore? I reported it too _late_, and Alex just gets away with it?"

"Alex?" repeated Olivia blankly, more out of instinct than anything.

Amanda's eyes flashed, and Olivia wondered how she didn't see it before, in those bottomless blue eyes that bored into your soul. "Alex Cabot," said Amanda stiffly. "My sister."

**I know it doesn't make much sense now, but it will get cleared up soon. Review if you want the next chapter!**


	2. Chapter 2

**In this chapter, I'm going to play around with POV. The things written in first person are memories. It may seem a bit disjointed, but it will make sense later on. Hope you don't mind.**

Olivia sent Amanda home, with her apologies. Her head was spinning. She couldn't even begin to understand how this was possible. Alex, her Alex, her beautiful, caring, brilliant girlfriend, the passionate voice for the victims, especially the children. Alex could never have abused someone, especially not her own sister.

But, a nagging voice in the back of her mind reminded her, Alex had secrets. Alex had never told her about her past. She had never mentioned her parents, much less than a sister. All she knew was that they had money, and that they were dead. That was it. The Cabot cottage really belonged to Alex's grandparents, who had left it to Alex in their will. And Alex had never said a word about Amanda.

She made up her mind that she would discuss this with Alex when she got home. It wasn't an open case, so it wasn't technically improper. She was going to get to the bottom of this.

* * *

Alex was ready, with two gym bags packed and waiting at the front door, when Olivia got home. "Hi, love," she said, giving Olivia a gentle kiss when she walked in the door. "Ready to go?"

Olivia sighed. She wanted to tell Alex what she'd found out, to ask her about her sister, but she couldn't bring herself to do so. When she looked into those beautiful blue eyes, she was falling all over again. So instead of having this discussion right now, she pulled Alex close and kissed her hair. "Mm, yeah. Just give me a minute to change."

"Okay. I'll go put the bags in the car."

Olivia changed into jeans and a t-shirt and met Alex in the car. "I'll drive," she offered.

"Sure." Alex climbed into the passenger seat and gave Olivia a smile. "How was work?"

This was her chance to bring up what she'd learned, but she wouldn't. Not now. Not yet. So she just shrugged. "Let's not talk about work."

"Okay. So what do you want to do this weekend?"

"We can go out on the sea-doo."

Alex shivered just thinking about it. "Liv, it's too cold for the sea-doo."

"It's never too cold for the sea-doo!"

Alex smiled. "We'll see." She took Olivia's hand. "I'm cold. Warm me up."

"No, you just want to hold my hand," replied Olivia, but obediently took her hand. "Wow, Alex, your hands are like icicles! What do you do, put them in the freezer?"

Alex wrinkled her nose. "Liv, what kind of moron puts their hands in the _freezer_?"

Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "I was just kidding, baby."

Alex smiled as Olivia gave her hand a squeeze. "I know."

Within minutes, Alex was sound asleep, her hand still grasping Olivia's.

Alex's POV

It hurt the first time. And the second time. And the third. But I didn't know what hurt more – when he did it to me, or when I did it to her.

Amanda's POV

It hurt the first time. I was only five years old and she was babysitting me. She came into my room and said, "Mandy, I want to show you a new game."

"Okay," I said, eager to spend some time with my big sister. Then I remembered some of the games we'd played in the past, where she'd read me scary stories and asked me which ones I thought were true. "Is it a scary game?"

She hesitated for just a moment. "No."

She lied.

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

When they reached the Cabots' "cottage," Olivia gently shook Alex awake. "Hey, sweetie," she said when Alex opened her bleary blue eyes. She brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "We're here."

Alex smiled weakly. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"I fell asleep."

Olivia kissed her forehead. "It's okay." She unbuckled Alex's seat belt for her. "Let's bring the bags inside."

Alex yawned and nodded, running a hand through her hair before getting out of the car and grabbing a bag.

* * *

Alex didn't like it here. There were too many bad memories, of things that had happened that shouldn't have. Her room, still the same. Her dolls. _His _room.

She and Olivia slept in a whole different wing, where her cousins used to sleep when they came over. They never talked about the past, only the present and their future together, because she knew Olivia had secrets of her own.

Olivia was the one who loved coming here. She'd found the picture of Alex and her family, here in the summer, their smiles wide and fake, every last one. She'd asked, and Alex had told her that the cottage was now hers. Olivia said they should come up here sometimes, and so they did, because Alex couldn't explain why she didn't want to.

Olivia started dinner while Alex unpacked. She tried not to flash back to the ghosts that lived in this house, of a childhood stolen, and then another. Being here always reminded her of why she'd become an ADA with SVU to begin with. If only she could take back her childhood, and what she'd done.

"Alex! Dinner's ready," called Olivia from downstairs, and Alex pushed those thoughts out of her head.

"Coming!" she called back, and finished put the bags away in the closet before going downstairs to join Olivia.

* * *

After dinner, Alex expected to curl up on the couch with Olivia as they always had before, the fire crackling a few feet away. Sometimes they turned on a movie and sometimes they just held each other, but it didn't matter. All that passed between them was contentment, and love.

But after they'd cleaned up from dinner, Olivia said, "Alex, I want to talk to you about something."

Alex's heart skipped a beat. She tried not to worry, though. It was probably just about a case. But Olivia had never used that serious tone with her before, except once – when she was telling Alex that her mother had died. And that time, Alex had been there for her, holding her and assuring her that everything was okay. Would it be too much to ask for Olivia to do the same for her?

She obediently went into the family room and perched on the couch beside Olivia. "What is it?"

Olivia cleared her throat. She didn't know how to say this. "Alex." She took Alex's hands, for comfort, to show Alex that she wasn't upset, to reassure her. She tried again. "Alex, I met your sister today."

Alex's blood ran cold. Suddenly, she couldn't breathe. She needed to get out of here, to get away. She couldn't be here. She couldn't do this. She couldn't stand Olivia's anger, but moreover, she couldn't stand Olivia's disappointment. Olivia would think so badly of her.

"She told you."

It wasn't a question, and Olivia didn't treat it like one. "I won't judge you, Alex, no matter what. I love you. But I want to know – why?"

Why, indeed.

She would never tell.

Alex's POV

It wasn't every day, but it was most days. I felt like it was every day, though. God, it felt like it.

Amanda's POV

It wasn't every day. It wasn't even most days. But every time she touched me, every time she made me feel so dirty and so ashamed, I died a little inside.

**Review for chapter four!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I know it's been awhile, so my apologies. I'm still not sure exactly where I want to take this though. Any ideas?**

Alex couldn't breathe. She started to rock back and forth, mumbling, "No, no, no. I can't. No."

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "It's okay, sweetie. I just want you to tell me what happened."

Alex shook her head. "I'm a _perp_."

"Alex, you did some bad things when you were a child. I know that. You know that. But I want to hear your side of the story. And the bottom line is, you _were _just a child. You're an adult now, and I know that you are a good person." She kissed Alex's forehead. "What happened ten years ago is the past. You can't be prosecuted for what you did, and you were a child anyway. I just want to know why you did it."

"I deserve to be prosecuted. I ruined her childhood."

Olivia sighed. "You did, Alex. She told me."

"Then why are you still here?"

"Because I know that, whatever you did, you are a good person now. You're my girlfriend, and I love you." She lifted Alex's chin. "Who hurt you, Alex?"

Alex dropped her gaze. "I hurt _her_."

"I know that someone hurt you first. You know as well as I do, Alex, children who hurt other children are generally either sociopaths or they have been abused themselves. And I know you're not a sociopath."

Alex met Olivia's eyes. "I hurt her because I wanted to. It made me feel good. That's all."

Olivia's eyes were deep pools of sadness. "Baby, I know that's not true."

"Yes, Liv. That's who I am."

"Sweetie, it's not. No judgments here. I love you no matter what you did, no matter why. You're not the same person you were ten years ago. I know you hurt her, and I understand all the guilt you're feeling right now. I know that what you did was wrong, but now you don't hurt people. You help them. And no matter what, I'll love you still."

"You _can't_."

"But, baby, I do."

"I don't deserve it."

"You've been hurt a lot, Alex. And you've done some things that you shouldn't have, some things that I wish you'd never done. But you were a child. Children make mistakes. And children act out abuse when it's happened to them. So I want you to tell me what happened."

Alex couldn't meet Olivia's eyes. "Nothing happened. I wanted to hurt her." But once again, she lied.

"Then why did you join SVU?"

"To atone," said Alex; the truth at last.

Alex's POV

I knew it was wrong.

In grade eleven, I read the Criminal Code in my law class. What I had done to my little sister could have landed me in prison for years. My little sister, who I was supposed to protect, who I _wasn't _supposed to hurt.

That was when I knew I couldn't stay. And that was when I decided that when I grew up, I was going to be an ADA. I was going to help kids like Amanda, and keep them safe from predators like me.

Amanda's POV

I knew it was wrong. I knew what I could have done. I could have told Mommy, Daddy, a teacher, a friend. But I didn't, because she was my sister, and despite all she'd done, I loved her still.

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

"It's your job to be there for the victim," said Alex quietly, even as Olivia wrapped her arms around her and held her close. "Not the perp."

"You are a victim, too, Alex. And now, you do the same. You're there for victims too."

"Because I know what it's like on both sides." She bit her lip then, once she realized what she'd said. She'd revealed too much.

"Who was he, Alex?"

"I can't."

"Baby, you can." She gently rubbed Alex's back. "You can. Tell me. Tell me what he did to you."

"No, it's not – it's not –" She was _not _going to cry.

"As a detective, it's my job to be there for Amanda. As your girlfriend, it's my job to be here for you."

"My father!" she finally burst out. "He – he raped me. Over and over and over and then –" She wiped at the tears welling up in her eyes. "I don't know why I did it to her. Because I'm a monster. I knew how it felt and I did it anyway. I took out my pain on her." She rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "You'd better leave, Olivia, before I hurt you, too."

Alex's POV

I cried, even though he told me not to. "Shh, Lexi," he said as he lifted my Little Mermaid nightgown and snaked his fingers between my legs. "This is how I love you."

_That's not my name_, I didn't say.

I was a good girl. I didn't fight him. I didn't scream. I didn't beg or wail or struggle. And after that, I didn't cry anymore. Never.

Amanda's POV

I cried, even though she told me not to. "It won't hurt once you get good at it," she told me. "Practice makes perfect."

I cried anyway, and whispered over and over, "Stop, stop, stop."

She didn't hear me, or at least, that's what I tell myself. I'm not sure what scares me more: the thought that she didn't hear, or the thought that she did.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia held her tightly as Alex dissolved into silent tears, her body shaking with the force of her sobs. "I'm sorry he did that to you," she said quietly. And that was all. What more could she say?

Alex shook her head. "I'm sorry I did that to _her_."

Olivia sighed. "And that's what makes you different from your father, baby. You know what you did and I know you won't do it again."

"That doesn't mean anything, Olivia. I'm a _perp_. I hurt my _sister_. My little sister. And I loved her, too. It wasn't just – it wasn't all like that."

"I know, Alex. I know."

"I _raped _her, Olivia." Alex turned to look at her. "Doesn't that disgust you?"

Olivia swallowed hard. Yes, it did disgust her. But it didn't change the way she felt about Alex. "Alex," she finally said. "That doesn't change the way I feel about you. I love you. What you did in the past isn't going to change my feelings toward you today."

Alex pulled out of Olivia's embrace and looked away. "How's Amanda, then? Does she have a boyfriend? A husband? Do I have a niece or a nephew?"

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't ask," Olivia said gently.

Alex laughed, a harsh, strangled laugh devoid of all real humor. "Who are we kidding, Olivia? She doesn't have a boyfriend, or a husband, and definitely not a kid. She's probably never let anyone touch her, because all she can feel is me."

"Alex, you don't know –"

"Olivia, why do you think I've never let you make love to me?"

"You said you wanted to wait. I was fine with that. I still am. I understand it now, but even if you just weren't comfortable – sweetheart, I would never want to hurt you."

"Amanda – she was just five years old. She was just a baby. We used to be so close. We did everything together. My mom would buy us matching outfits, even. We were best friends."

"Alex, I know how much it hurts you –"

"Not nearly as much as it hurts her."

Olivia was silent for a moment. "No, you're probably right about that. But you don't need to minimize the trauma for yourself, Alex. I know you didn't want to hurt her."

"Then why did I? And don't feed me that crap about not being able to control myself, because I could, and I can."

"Alex, you were a child. I know that you need to feel in control to feel safe, but when you were a kid, you _couldn't _control every single thing in the world, or even every single thing you did. You just couldn't."

Alex refused to meet her eyes. "That's why I hurt her, though. To be in control. To change what was happening to me. When he was hurting me, I was the victim, and I hated that. But when I was hurting her, I had the power. And it was almost like, by hurting her, I was hurting him, too."

Olivia didn't know what she could say to that. "Oh, baby," was all she could manage, and she took Alex into her arms again, wondering what there was for her to do now.

Alex's POV

"I have something for you," he said.

Whatever it was, I didn't want it. He'd given me enough already. Enough fear, enough pain, enough shame to last a lifetime.

He handed me a stack of photographs. "Look."

I didn't want to. God, I didn't want to. But I looked anyway.

Me. There was a picture of me. I didn't remember him taking it. But there I was, lying on my bed, my legs spread wide, my hair falling over my eyes. But my trepidation shone through the photograph, loud and clear.

I swore I would never look that way again. From then on, I would create a barrier between him and I, a wall of ice, a layer of membrane that he couldn't penetrate. I had to.

Amanda's POV

"I have something for you," she said.

"I don't want it," I replied moodily, kicking my heels.

She shrugged. "Okay. I just thought you might."

She got up and started to leave, but my curiosity got the better of me. "What is it?"

She slipped my favorite teddy bear into my hand, the one I'd lost last week and had been looking for ever since.

My face lit up. "You found him!"

She put a finger to her lips. "Don't tell."

And then I saw the cut between the teddy's legs, the red magic marker standing bright against his dark fur. He felt lighter too, as if she'd taken out some of the stuffing, and he had been crudely sewn back together with red thread. I glared at her accusingly. "You hurted him." In spite of myself, I felt tears rushing to my eyes. "Why'd you do that?"

She gave me a scathing look. "You're such a baby." And she walked out of my room, slamming the door behind her.

I was only three years old, and I'd had that teddy bear all my life, but I never slept with him again.

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

Alex told Olivia she needed to be alone and retreated to the other end of the house. She wandered through her former bedroom, then Amanda's, and felt a pang of guilt so strong that it pushed her to her knees. She knelt there, in Amanda's bedroom, as she had made her sister do so many times. She tried to cry again, just to feel _something_, but she couldn't.

She hadn't expected to be found out like this. Not by Olivia. She'd tried so hard to put that part of her past behind her, painful as it was. How could Olivia ever love her now, seeing her as the perp she was?

She started to absently rummage through Amanda's dresser drawers. They weren't really Amanda's anymore – after all, it was her house now. The first few were empty, but in the bottom drawer, she found a sweatshirt. She pulled the sweatshirt out of the drawer and realized that it was wrapped around something. The teddy bear.

She hadn't seen Amanda's teddy bear in nearly twenty-five years. Their father had given it to Amanda when she was a baby, and since then, Amanda had carried it everywhere.

When Alex was seven and her father started abusing her, she was angry at everything and everyone. She acted out at home and at school, and this had been the one thing that hurt her sister most. She'd taken Amanda's teddy bear and ripped out some of the stuffing, drawing an angry red line between its legs with magic marker. Like the blood her father had coaxed from her tiny body that first painful time.

Amanda had been so sad, and it gave Alex a perverse sense of satisfaction. Her father had taken something from her, and now she had taken something from her sister. It was like ending up full circle, and it made her feel better.

She held the teddy bear to her chest now, and closed her eyes in shame. It was their innocence lost, both of them. One due to forces beyond her control and one due to forces within her control, a pain that she herself had caused.

Before she even realized what she was doing, Alex had taken out her cell phone and dialed Amanda's phone number. She knew the number by heart, because every three months as if on a schedule, she Googled her little sister. Amateurish as it appeared, she'd determined that Amanda had sold several paintings over the past few months – she'd always wanted to be a painter, and part of Alex was glad that her sister was doing something she enjoyed. She knew Amanda's phone number and address, and she wondered why she'd never thought to call Amanda before.

She knew why. Because she was ashamed. She hadn't spoken to her sister in fifteen years, ever since she left home at the age of sixteen. Amanda must hate her, and rightfully so.

The phone rang, once, twice, and then – "Hello?"

Alex was silent for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. "Amanda, it's Alex," she finally said.

She could feel Amanda's fury over the phone, and her sister said coldly, "You have no right to call here. Ever. You're not part of my life anymore, Alex."

Alex took a deep breath. "I know. Amanda, I just – I'm sorry."

But Amanda had already hung up the phone.

Alex's POV

We learned in health class about good touches and bad touches. That was the first time I truly realized how badly I'd screwed up. How badly others had screwed _me _up.

But then I wondered if maybe I'd known all along. If maybe that was the point.

Amanda's POV

We learned in health class about good touches and bad touches. I told her no the next time she touched me, for the first time since she started. I told her it was wrong, but she knew that already. For the first time, I saw a flash of pain ghost across her face when I told her to stop. "I can't," she said.

And I thought then that maybe she had secrets of her own, too.

**Review for chapter eight!**


	8. Chapter 8

**For the last few chapters, I have been noticing the lack of reviews. I know I've been neglecting this story, but now I'm back into it and ready to write! However, if there's no interest, I won't continue. So please tell me if you want me to continue to update this or just leave it here.**

Olivia found her, hours later, curled up on a bed in a wing of the house she'd never been allowed in. The room was austere, gloomy in its emptiness, and Olivia wondered, not for the first time, why Alex had forbidden her from entering these rooms. "They're not for our use," was all she said when Olivia asked, in true Alex Cabot fashion, perfectly precise without really answering Olivia's question.

Then Olivia noticed the small stuffed toy Alex was clutching as she slept. It was a teddy bear, and Olivia smiled sadly. Alex looked so young. Vulnerable. Innocent. It made her heart ache.

She carefully lowered herself onto the bed beside Alex and took her girlfriend into her arms, gingerly, so as not to wake her. She pressed a kiss to the base of Alex's neck and said quietly, almost to herself, "I love you still."

Alex stirred and rolled over to face Olivia. She let go of the bear and it dropped to the floor. Instead, she wrapped her arms around Olivia and held on as tightly as she could.

Olivia noticed the red line between the bear's legs as it fell off the bed and winced as she thought about what Alex had suffered. How had she not known about this? How had she not seen Alex's pain?

She gestured to the teddy bear. "Yours?" she said quietly.

Alex shook her head, closing her eyes in shame. "My sister's."

"Oh."

Olivia began to rub gentle circles into Alex's back, hoping to soothe the tension in her muscles, and after a moment Alex spoke. "This was her room."

Olivia was silent for a moment, and then she said again, "Oh." She wasn't sure what response Alex was looking for.

Alex got up off the bed and walked toward the closet. "I made her stay here sometimes."

"In the closet?"

Alex nodded.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "He did it to me. It was like – I had to recreate it, with her." Her voice cracked, and Alex took a deep breath in an attempt to regain her composure. She ducked her head and started to pace around the room. "I told you that you weren't allowed in these rooms."

"I was looking for you, Alex. It's almost 10:00, and I was worried."

"I _said _I needed to be by myself."

"I know that's what you _said_."

Alex sighed, the fight leaving her body as she sat back down on the bed beside Olivia. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I just . . ." She hesitated. "I called Amanda."

"And?" Olivia prompted when Alex didn't continue.

"And nothing. It was stupid."

"What happened?"

"She hung up on me and told me not to call again. But honestly, what did I expect? I hurt her, up until the day I left. That's all she knows of me. That's all I am."

"Alex, that's _not_ all you are. What you did was wrong, but it was a long time ago. You've changed, baby. I know you have. And I'm not going to keep blaming you for something that you did when you were a child. This still hurts you a lot, baby, and we're going to get through this together. I won't leave you, Alex. I'm not going anywhere."

Alex sighed again and leaned into Olivia as her girlfriend wrapped an arm around her. "I tried, Liv."

"Baby, Amanda doesn't know you anymore. She knows who you were when you were little. She doesn't know that you're our ADA. She doesn't know how passionate you are about what you do, she doesn't know how loving you are, how caring you are, how amazing you are today."

Alex laid her head in Olivia's lap and the detective gently stroked her hair. "I'm sorry you had to find everything out from Amanda," she finally said.

"You weren't ready to talk about it, Alex. I understand." She paused. "You know you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. But if you do want to talk, I'm here to listen. It's not an SVU case, so there's no conflict of interest."

"God." Alex shook her head as if to clear it. "If she came into the precinct ten years ago, I'd be sitting in prison right now."

Olivia didn't know what to say to that. Instead, she began to rub comforting circles into Alex's back. "Do you want to go into our room, baby?" she asked after a moment, knowing that being here, in Amanda's former room, was bringing back bad memories for Alex. She didn't want that. She hated seeing her girlfriend in pain.

Alex nodded and took another deep breath. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I know you wanted to get away from it all and have a nice weekend together. I did, too. Can we just – not talk about this for now? And just have a nice weekend. Or try to, anyway."

"If that's what you want."

"It doesn't matter what I want. It matters what you want. If you need to know –"

"I don't need to know anything, Alex, unless you want to tell me."

"Not right now." Alex looked up at her. "Let's go to our room, and go to sleep, and when we wake up in the morning, let's pretend today didn't happen. Let's go out on the sea-doo like you wanted and have a picnic on Beausoliel and go for a hike around the island. We can talk later. But I want to have a good time with you this weekend."

Olivia smiled weakly and kissed her forehead. "That sounds good to me."

Alex got up and held her hands out to Olivia, helping her girlfriend to her feet. She pulled Olivia close for a moment and gave her a kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Alex. And I always will."

Alex's POV

He came into my room and sat down on my bed. "I want to show you something."

I didn't say anything as he handed me the object in his hand. "What is it?" I asked in trepidation, even though I knew I shouldn't.

"Put it inside you," he said, brushing my hair back from my face.

I cringed and looked up at him through fear-filled eyes.

"It'll feel good," he urged.

But that was what he'd said before, too, and he'd lied.

I couldn't say no to him, so I nodded anyway and took it from him, pushing it inside me through the pain.

He smiled as I whimpered, trying not to cry. He put his hand over mine and I flinched, but didn't move, didn't dislodge the cold object inside me.

Finally, he let me take it out. "There," he said. "You're ready."

_For what_? I didn't ask.

He told me to keep it. Our little secret. Another that I didn't want to keep.

Amanda's POV

She came into my room and sat down on my bed. "I want to show you something."

"Go away," I told her, sliding to the edge of my bed, as far away from her as possible.

"It's okay," she said, pulling me closer to her. I was smaller, and I didn't stand a chance against her. "It will feel good, I promise. When you're good at it."

I tried to pull out of her grasp. "No."

"Here." She started to take off my pants. I pushed her hands away, and she rolled her eyes. "Then you do it."

I chewed on my lower lip and did as she said, pulling down my pants and underwear, as I had so many times before.

Then I noticed the small object clenched in her fist. I didn't know what it was, but I knew better than to ask. "It goes here," she said, and she showed me.

She didn't seem to notice, much less than care, when I cried.

**Review for chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia started awake around three in the morning to find Alex tossing and turning in the bed beside her, whimpering and mumbling incoherently.

She realized Alex was having a nightmare, and suddenly, she was at a loss. They'd never had this experience before. Their romance wasn't new, and in the months that they'd been living together, Alex had never had a nightmare quite like this one. Olivia figured it was just because of the stresses of the day, she memories she'd coaxed out from the edges of Alex's consciousness, and she felt immediately guilty.

She reached out to lay a calming hand on Alex's shoulder and said gently, soothingly, "Baby, it's okay. You're having a bad dream. It's just a dream, baby. I'm here."

"No – no –"

"Yeah, baby, you're safe. It's okay." She brushed Alex's hair, sticky with perspiration, back from her damp forehead. She touched Alex's arm again, gently, carefully. "It's okay, Alex. Open your eyes. You're safe."

Alex's eyes slowly opened, flashing with fear and then softening in relief as she recognized Olivia. "I'm sorry," she said immediately, ashamed at being so weak now, just as she had been so many years ago.

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Don't be sorry. It's all right, Alex, really."

Alex smiled self-deprecatingly. "I just wanted to forget about all this and have a nice weekend – guess we didn't get very far."

"We can still have a nice weekend, Alex." Olivia paused. "Would you like me to hold you, baby?"

Alex nodded and Olivia took her into her arms. She felt Alex's slight frame trembling in her embrace and held her closer, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head and tenderly stroking her hair.

Alex started to whimper involuntarily. She was trying to be strong, but her nightmare had taken her places she hadn't been in years, assaulted her with memories she had desperately tried to forget.

"Shh, baby," Olivia soothed, giving Alex another kiss and continuing to stroke her hair. "You're safe. It's okay."

Alex nodded and tried to calm her shaking body and labored breathing. She _felt _safe, cocooned in Olivia's embrace. She always felt safe in Olivia's arms, in a way she'd never felt safe before. She knew that here, with Olivia by her side, no one could hurt her. Olivia simply wouldn't let them. Olivia loved her, and Alex knew she would protect her above all else. Her father would never hurt her again.

"I love you," Olivia whispered, and Alex smiled, those words being the last ones she heard before drifting back to sleep.

Alex's POV

"It's okay," he said, gently stroking my hair with one hand as he rubbed the burning skin of my bottom with the other. The burning skin he'd inflamed moments before.

I shuddered under his touch, but I knew better than to push him away. I wanted to, though. I wished so much that I could.

"You're my good girl now, Lexi. You won't disobey me again."

No. No, I wouldn't. I'd learned my lesson now, that if I ever said no, I would be punished and forced to do even worse. It wasn't by any measure the harshest spanking I'd ever received, but I could feel his erection pressing against my stomach as I lay over his lap, and I knew that to him, this was just foreplay.

He smacked my bottom one more time and smirked when I jumped at the unexpectedness of the slap. "Up."

I got to my feet, wincing at the pain coursing through my body. I hated him. I hated him so much.

He tangled a hand in my hair and pushed me to my knees. I knew what to do, and this time, I didn't fight it. I took him into my mouth and tried not to gag as I pleasured him.

When he finished, he yanked me to my feet and shoved me into my closet. "You're going to stay here until I come get you," he said, and locked me in.

I whimpered and sank to my knees, wondering how long I'd be forced to stay here this time. Even at nine, I was afraid of the dark, and he knew it. When I had to be punished – or so he said – he would lock me here, for hours, sometimes overnight.

I wished I was strong enough to stop it. To stop him. To protect myself.

Amanda's POV

"It's okay," she said, holding onto my shoulders as I pleasured her.

She squeezed tightly as her body shook for a moment, then stilled. Then she pulled me up from my knees and sat me on the bed beside her. She was my sister, and I craved her approval so badly.

"It's okay," she said again, brushing my hair back from my face. "You were good, Amanda. I love you."

I glowed under her praise. I'd done well, for once, and she loved me. That made all the pain worth it.

Then, suddenly, her face contorted. "No," she said, as if to herself, and picked me up.

"Lex?" I said, looking up at her. "Lexi, will you play with me?"

Her eyes went cold, then, so cold that I felt myself begin to tremble under her gaze. She smacked me, hard, and dragged me toward the closet before shutting me inside. "You stay here," she snapped, and I heard her footsteps retreat.

I curled up in a ball and cried, then, because I didn't know what I'd done wrong. She'd been so proud of me a minute ago, and now she was punishing me again. She'd said she loved me, but now she was hurting me. This wasn't love, and even at the tender age of five, I knew it.

**Review for chapter ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, Alex woke up before Olivia. She smiled at her peacefully sleeping girlfriend and kissed her cheek before gingerly extricating herself from Olivia's embrace. Olivia had been so good to her last night, and now it was time to return to the favor, as much as she could.

Alex rummaged around the kitchen to check if they had all the ingredients for strawberry banana crepes. She had to admit that this was partly self-serving – she loved strawberry banana crepes too – but breakfast in bed would be nice for Olivia this morning.

She fixed breakfast and brought it up to Olivia on a tray, trying not to think about last night. Trying not to remember. Trying to push away her residual fear.

Alex gently shook her girlfriend awake. "Liv, wake up," she murmured, pressing a kiss to Olivia's temple. "I have something for you."

Olivia instinctively reached up to wrap her arms around Alex, and Alex smiled.

"Good morning, love," she said, giving Olivia another kiss as Olivia opened her eyes.

Olivia's eyes softened when she saw Alex and she gave Alex a tight hug. "'Morning, baby."

"I made you breakfast."

Olivia smiled sleepily. "Thank you, sweetheart."

Alex handed her the tray. "Now, be careful," she warned with a smile. "If you make a mess, you're changing the sheets."

Olivia chuckled. "Yes, boss." She held her left arm out to Alex and Alex curled up against her side. "Did you eat already?"

Alex shook her head. "I was counting on you sharing. There's enough there for two."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah, I was wondering what this mountain of food was for. Even I don't eat _that _much!"

"Sometimes you do."

"Yeah, _once_. That was only because I'd been at work for 32 hours straight and all I'd eaten was a hot dog and a banana in those 32 hours."

"And you ended up consuming three sandwiches, two bananas, a package of crackers, a can of soup, _and _a bowl of cereal."

"Yes, I did end up _consuming _quite a lot of food that time, but it's not a regular occurrence!"

Alex laughed. "If you say so." She took a bite of crepe. "Mm, these are good."

"Yeah, they are." Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too, Liv."

They finished breakfast and Alex said she would clean up.

"You get changed, Liv. We are going out on the sea-doo."

"I thought it was too cold for the sea-doo."

Alex shrugged. "It is, but you'll keep me warm."

"Of course."

Alex's POV

I woke up in the middle of the night to find him staring at me, his expression unreadable. I immediately began to tremble, but I knew what was expected of me. I undressed and stood silently before him, offering myself up to whatever pain he decided to inflict upon my small body.

He lifted me onto his lap as if I was no more than a rag doll and shoved his hand between my legs. "That feels good, doesn't it, my Lexi?"

I could feel his hot breath in my ear and I flinched, but tried to stay as still as I could, as I knew he liked me to. As I knew he expected me to. I didn't want to disobey and risk being punished.

"Mm, good girl," he said, absently stroking my hair with the hand that wasn't playing between my legs. His hands on my hair made me feel sick, and I was struck with the sudden urge to chop it all off, so he would never touch it again.

A moment later, he stopped and undressed himself. And as he entered me, I tried so hard to go somewhere else, to a fantasy world where I was safe and loved, where no one could ever hurt me.

It didn't work.

Amanda's POV

I woke up in the middle of the night to find her staring at me, her expression unreadable. I shivered under her sharp gaze, wondering what she would make me do tonight, and how much it would hurt.

"Lexi?" I said after a moment, and she flinched. Then she patted my head, aloofly, as one might reflexively pet the neighbor's dog.

"Go back to sleep, little one," she said, but I couldn't.

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

Alex and Olivia returned to the cottage several hours later, soaking wet from a fall into the water when the sea-doo tipped over. Alex had two towels wrapped around her shoulders, one that was her own and one that was Olivia's. Olivia had insisted on giving Alex her towel as well when she noticed how hard Alex was trembling from the cold. Olivia was just so sweet, and it was one of the things Alex loved about her.

"You go shower, baby," Olivia said, pulling Alex to her and lightly kissing the crown of her head. "I'll make you a hot chocolate."

"Mm, that sounds nice, but do you know what would be even nicer?"

"What?"

Alex leaned in for a kiss, and Olivia happily obliged. When Alex pulled back, she smiled shyly and took Olivia's hand. "If you joined me."

"That _does _sound nice," Olivia agreed. "Just give me a sec."

They showered together, then Olivia brought Alex a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, warm from the dryer.

"Here, sweetie," she said with a smile, tucking a strand of hair behind Alex's ear.

Alex smiled back. "Thanks." She wrapped her arms around Olivia. "You're so sweet, Liv."

Olivia blushed slightly. "I try."

"And you succeed."

Olivia gave Alex another kiss. "You go lie down," she said, noticing how Alex's eyelids had started to droop. She knew Alex hadn't slept well the night before, and she must be tired. "I'll make you hot chocolate if you like."

"Okay, but only if you'll come lie with me."

"Deal. Find something on TV, okay? I'll be there in a minute."

"Thanks, Liv."

"Hey, no problem."

Alex went to the living room and stretched out on the couch. She closed her eyes and tried to relax her body. Maybe now she would be able to sleep, if Olivia held her. She always felt safe in Olivia's arms.

Olivia returned a moment later with two cups of hot chocolate. She handed one to Alex and set the other one down on the coffee table.

"Move over, Alex. I want to hold you."

"I'd like that," Alex said quietly.

"Then it's unanimous, because I'd like that too."

Alex slid over so Olivia could lie down beside her, and the detective immediately wrapped an arm around Alex. She started to gently massage Alex's shoulders, relieving their strain. Alex smiled and relaxed into the comforting touch. "Mm, you spoil me, Liv."

"I like to."

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Love you."

"Love you, too, baby. Always."

Alex's POV

When I was younger, I tried to kill myself. Eight times.

The first time was on my tenth birthday. Ten was supposed to be such a special year. All of my friends were so excited about turning double digits. But for me, my tenth birthday only symbolized more pain, more shame and fear.

My birthday present was a beating and being locked in my room by myself for the whole day until my father came up. He raped me, the first time he followed through and actually penetrated me that way. "You're a big girl now, Lexi," he said. "So now we can play big girl games."

When he left, I curled up on my side and cried, silently, in more pain than I'd ever been in my life. He'd used objects on me before, but they were nothing compared to this fear, this dirtiness that seemed to engulf my entire body.

My sister came upstairs before dinner to give me my one and only present. "I made it for you," she said sweetly, giving me a gap-toothed smile. She'd lost a tooth several days before, and since I knew my parents wouldn't, I told her about the tooth fairy and left a couple dollars under her pillow for her. I really did love my sister.

She handed me a box made out of Popsicle sticks and painted my favourite shade of blue.

"It's a jewelry box," she told me, beaming. "You like it?"

"I love it," I said, and hugged her. Even through my pain, I had to be strong for my sister.

That night, I took a whole bottle of Tylenol. And the next morning, when I woke up in the hospital – when I woke up, _period_ – I cried and cried until the doctors finally medicated me to knock me out.

There were more attempts throughout my adolescence. Sleeping pills were my drug of choice, but I was a stupid kid – after I failed the first time, I should have realized that they wouldn't work. Then maybe I would have succeeded.

But maybe, even then, I didn't want to. Consciously, I didn't even dare allow myself to hope that someday there might be a future for me, where I would be safe and loved and _happy_. But maybe somewhere, deep down, I knew.

Amanda's POV

When I was younger, I tried to kill myself.

My sister found me, lying on my bed, blood seeping from my wrists. She called 911.

I survived, obviously. And my sister never realized she had driven me to this.

**Review for chapter twelve! I will update once I get five reviews. :p**


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter is dedicated to _Blood Red _Kisses. Thanks so much for your feedback and I hope you (and all my other readers) continue to enjoy (and review) this story!**

That evening, Alex and Olivia went out on the sea-doo again. They drove to an island several miles away to watch the sun set. Alex remembered being here with her sister, years ago, but she didn't say anything about that to Olivia. She didn't want to have this discussion right now. Or ever.

The two of them had come out here, sometimes, to watch the sun rise or set, so they could be alone. So Alex could get away from her father. And Amanda – well, Amanda just kept her company, being the good sister she was. Here, nothing had ever happened. Alex had never been hurt and she had never hurt Amanda. Here, she could always make herself forget the pain that awaited her when she returned home.

She remembered lying here, on the rock she and Olivia were sitting on now. She remembered spreading out blankets and curling up with Amanda, holding her sister or letting her sister hold her. Watching the sun set and then just staring up at the stars, taking comfort in the peace they had always found here.

Alex was startled out of her thoughts when she felt Olivia's warm arms wrap around her and a kiss pressed to her shoulder blade. "Where did you go?" she asked quietly.

Alex managed a tiny smile. "Nowhere. I'm here with you."

Olivia pulled Alex back against her. "Well, stay with me, okay?"

Alex fitted her body to Olivia's. "Always."

They were silent for several moments, watching the sun begin its gradual descent. "It's so beautiful here," Olivia said after a few minutes. "Aren't you glad we found this place?"

Alex hesitated before she said, "I came here when I was a child. With Amanda."

Olivia nodded noncommittally, inviting Alex to continue if she wanted but not pushing her to do so.

Alex paused again. "Nothing happened here. Ever. It – it was nice. We were best friends again, here. We were safe." She smiled slightly. "We just lay here and watched the stars, like we're doing now. We talked, sometimes. Not about – not about anything difficult – we told stories. Amanda always made me laugh."

Olivia began to gently rub Alex's back. "That does sound nice." It made her sad to imagine a young, frightened Alex, coming here with her sister because she didn't feel safe at home.

Alex met Olivia's eyes, a hint of desperation glimmering in her baby blues. "Nothing ever happened here," she repeated. She needed to assure Olivia, to be positive Olivia believed her.

"I know." Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head and continued to rub circles into her back.

"It wasn't always that way, Liv. Not always."

"I know. You don't need to explain, Alex. We can just enjoy our evening here, or we can go back to the cottage if you prefer."

"No. I like it here. I like being here with you." Alex hesitated, then admitted softly, "I feel safe, here, with you."

Olivia smiled. "You are safe with me, baby. Always."

Alex smiled back. "I love you, Olivia. So much."

"I love you, too, Alex."

Alex suddenly jumped at a loud bang that seemed to be coming from the mainland. Her body began to tremble and Olivia caressed her arms, stroking them to warm them up.

"Alex, it's just fireworks. Some kids are probably setting off fireworks. It's okay."

Alex took a deep breath and nodded, trying to calm her body. "I'm sorry," she said as another firework went off and she flinched involuntarily. "It's just –"

"You don't have to explain, Alex. We can go back if you want. Or we can stay here."

Alex shook her head. "I'm sorry, Liv. I think I'm ready to go."

"Then I'm ready, too. Come on." She got up and held a hand out to Alex, helping her to her feet. "It's okay, baby. I promise, I'll make it okay."

Alex smiled weakly. If only Olivia could.

Alex's POV

"Alex!" he called from downstairs. I winced, but scurried into the living room to see what he wanted. My mother and Amanda were away for the weekend, celebrating my sister's sixth birthday at Disney World, and my father had some of his friends over. I'd holed myself up in my room, trying to avoid them as best I could, because I knew that after his friends had had a few drinks, they could be as vicious as he was.

I'd begged my mother to take me with her and Amanda, but she said it was my sister's birthday, not mine, and she wanted some time with just Amanda. "Another time, Alexandra," she said, but I knew that next time would never come. Amanda was the favourite in my mother's eyes, and I knew that even then.

My father was lounging on the couch, surrounded by four or five of his friends. "Get me another beer," he said, slurring his words. "And Jason wants one, too."

I ducked my head, wishing he would just let me go back to my room. I didn't want to be here, with them. I was afraid. But instead, I said, "Yes, sir."

He patted my head. "Good girl." Then he smacked my bottom, which set off a round of guffaws from his friends.

I returned with two beers and handed one to my father and one to his friend. I stood in front of him with my eyes lowered, not daring to leave his presence before I was given permission.

He belched loudly, then took my hips in his large, rough hands and pulled me onto his lap. "See, my Lexi," he said to his friends. "See what a good girl she is."

"Beautiful," one of the men said, and as my father's hands slipped beneath my shirt, I began to tremble. I wanted to get up and go upstairs, to lock myself in my room and stay there until my mother returned, but I didn't dare. And it wasn't like my mother would protect me anyway. She never had before.

My father's rough hands began to rub circles into my stomach, and I squirmed slightly on his lap, knowing what would come next. Clearly, he had no qualms about touching me, even in front of his friends.

As his hands moved lower, under the waistband of my underwear, I began to shake even harder. "Stop," I whispered, almost involuntarily. "Please, please don't."

His other hand came up and smacked me, hard, across the face. I felt tears rushing to my eyes and blinked them back as more laughter erupted from the men in the room.

My father smirked. "Isn't she sweet?"

I forced my body to go limp and tried to go somewhere else in my mind, away from here. But as I felt his coarse hands playing around the sensitive skin between my legs, I was brought back down to Earth, and I couldn't help the tears that started to stream down my cheeks.

I could feel his hot breath at the base of my neck and I squeezed my eyes shut, praying for it to just be over, praying he would let me run up to my room and climb into bed with my dolls and my teddy bear, praying that I would wake up the next morning and have forgotten the shame that engulfed me.

He pulled my pants down my thighs and took them off, then removed my panties.

"Gorgeous," one of my father's friends said, licking his lips.

My father grinned. "You can have your turn when I'm done. She's not going anywhere."

I whimpered as he entered me, with two fingers and then three. The pain, I was used to – it was the humiliation of being hurt in front of these men and knowing I was helpless to stop it.

Then he took off his own pants and thrust himself into my mouth. I tried not to gag as I pleasured him, still crying silently in shame and fear. I knew that tonight, I would be performing for all of them, and the thought made me feel nauseous.

He came a few moments later and pushed me away. "You can have her now," he said to one of the other men, and I bit back a cry as I was lifted onto his lap.

"So pretty," the man said, stroking my hair as one might caress a dog. "You'll be a good girl for me, honey, won't you?"

"Yes, sir," I whispered, which made him laugh.

"Good," he said, and shoved his hand between my legs.

On and on it went, for hours. When I had finally finished my job, I thought I would be allowed to go upstairs to bed, but it was clear that they had other plans for me.

My father made me kneel at his side, and when my eyelids began to droop and my knees started to ache, it started all over again, and lasted until the sun rose and I passed out from sheer exhaustion and pain.

"My friends enjoyed you last night, Lexi," my father told me the next morning. "You'll have to play with them more often."

Amanda's POV

"Amanda!" she called from downstairs. I ran to her and climbed into her lap.

"Did you miss me, Lex?" I asked, beaming up at my sister.

She smiled weakly and held me close. "Did you have a good time at Disney?"

"Yeah. We saw Minnie Mouse!"

She kissed my hair. "Happy birthday."

I curled closer to her and she winced, pushing me off her lap.

"Don't, Amanda. That hurts."

"What does?"

She sighed. "Go upstairs," she said distantly.

"But, Lex –"

"_Go away_," she said, and shoved me hard. I fell backward onto the floor and started to cry.

"Alex!"

She started to cry, too, and wrapped her arms around her knees. "I'm sorry, Mandy. I didn't mean to."

I climbed back into her lap. "It's okay, Lexi. I love you even when you hurt me."

She sniffled. "I won't hurt you again, Mandy. I promise."

"Okay," I said, because I knew it was she wanted to hear. She'd said this before, and she'd broken her promise, every time.

**Review for chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning, Alex woke up around six in the morning to find Olivia's side of the bed empty. She panicked for a moment, but relaxed when Olivia stepped out of the closet, pulling on a pair of socks. She smiled at Alex and leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Hey, baby. You can go back to sleep. I'm going out for a run. I'll be back in an hour or so, okay?"

Alex nodded. She really didn't want to be separated from Olivia right now, and she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep again without Olivia's arms around her, holding her close and keeping her safe, but she knew that that wouldn't be fair to Olivia.

Olivia caught the uncertainty in her eyes. "Do you need me to stay?"

When she put it that way, Alex knew she couldn't say yes without feeling selfish. She shook her head and pulled her knees to her chest.

Olivia gave her a smile. "See you in an hour," she said quietly, giving Alex one more kiss before she left.

Alex tried to get back to sleep, but without Olivia by her side, she couldn't push away the memories bubbling to the forefront of her mind. Her sister's tearstained face floated in and out of her consciousness, begging for Alex to stop, crying out that it hurt, it hurt, it hurt – and Alex knew that. But it didn't stop her.

She squeezed her eyes shut and counted to ten, then counted again, but she couldn't erase the image. Soon, her own cheeks were stained with tears. This was her punishment, for what she'd done all those years ago. She'd never be able to forget. She didn't deserve to.

After what seemed like an eternity, she felt Olivia slip back into the bed beside her. Olivia took Alex into her arms, silently kissing away the moisture that had accumulated on her cheeks, and held her tightly. Alex inhaled Olivia's familiar scent and curled closer to her girlfriend, her body slowly calming in Olivia's embrace. She didn't know what she would do without Olivia.

She hoped she would never have to find out.

Alex's POV

I lay on my side in my bed, trying to keep my tears at bay. Amanda was in the next room, and I couldn't let her hear me crying. But I was hurting so much, and I couldn't quite hold in my quiet sobs.

Moments later, I heard the door open, and I tensed instinctively. But then I felt my little sister slip into bed beside me and wrap her arms around my waist. "Love you, Lexi," she whispered.

I sighed. "Love you, too."

"Not tonight."

"I won't tonight, Mandy. I promise."

She stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Can I stay with you?"

"If you're quiet."

"'Kay." She snuggled up against my side. "Don't cry, Alex. I'll protect you from the monsters."

_No, you can't, _I didn't say. _Because I'm one of them now_.

Amanda's POV

I lay on my side in my bed, trying to keep my tears at bay. My sister had just left, and I was hurting all over, and confused. I knew Alex loved me, but people who love you aren't supposed to hurt you, and Alex hurt me.

Mommy came into my room a few moments later to call me for dinner. "Amanda," she said when she noticed me curled up on the bed, "what's wrong? What happened?"

"Lexi hurt me," I said, even though she'd made me promise not to tell.

"Oh, baby. Come here." Mommy scooped me up in her arms. "I'll have Daddy go in and punish her for that. She shouldn't be hurting you, baby." She kissed my forehead. "Dinner's ready. I made your favorite."

I sniffled and nodded, and clung to my mother as she carried me down to the kitchen. Alex could take care of herself. I couldn't.

**Review for chapter fourteen!**


	14. Chapter 14

That afternoon, it was time to go back to Manhattan. Alex was dreading the long ride home, hoping that Olivia wouldn't want to talk about Amanda. She couldn't talk to Olivia, not about this. She couldn't talk to anyone. This was her secret shame, her punishment, her fear. She couldn't share it. She didn't deserve to push her pain, and that which she had caused, onto someone else.

She was also dreading their return. She knew in her head that nothing would have changed, and everything would go back to being the way it had been. Olivia would arrest perps and console the victims, and Alex would do her best to put them behind bars. They would work all day and come home exhausted, too worn out emotionally to do more than order take out and fall into each other's arms that night, when they would both lie in bed, holding each other, but unable to sleep as the horrors of the day replayed over and over in their minds.

But this weekend, something had changed between them, at least. Alex had let Olivia in, if only a little. Now Olivia knew the most horrible, hidden part of her, and she hadn't run. Not yet, anyway. Olivia had simply held her when she cried and assured Alex that she loved her. It was just what Alex needed, and more than she deserved.

Alex jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder but relaxed when she turned and saw Olivia, a sheepish smile playing around her lips. "Sorry, Alex. Are you ready to go?"

Alex nodded and got to her feet, more than ready to leave this house and her memories behind.

Olivia slipped her hand into Alex's and gave it a squeeze. "I'm here for you, honey. No matter what. Try to remember that, okay?"

Alex nodded again and took a deep breath. She tried a smile and changed the subject. "I'll grab the big bag if you grab the small ones."

"Well, that doesn't seem too fair, considering there are four small ones and one big one!"

"The big one weighs more than the small ones combined."

"That's debatable, but – fine, fine." She smiled and cupped Alex's cheek. "You know I can never say no to that smile."

Alex beamed. Olivia always knew just what to say to make her feel special, to make her feel like the most beautiful, most loved woman in the world. She loved it. She loved Olivia.

She leaned forward and captured Olivia's lips with her own, hoping that the kiss conveyed her gratitude, hoping that Olivia knew how much Alex appreciated the small things she said and did.

Olivia deepened the kiss, and they stayed like that for several long moments before Alex stepped back, breaking the kiss when oxygen became a necessity. "I love you," she said quietly, a bit shyly, although she wasn't sure exactly why.

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "I know," she said just as quietly, then smiled again, lightening the mood. "Okay, you win. I'll take the small bags."

Alex chuckled. "I'm very good at getting my way, Liv. You should know better than to argue with me."

"You think?"

They put the bags into the trunk of the car and started the long drive home in comfortable silence. Alex intertwined her fingers with Olivia's, enjoying the comfort that being physically connected to Olivia brought. "Olivia?" she said after an hour of this quiet.

Olivia turned to face her. "Yeah, baby?"

Alex sighed. "Nothing." She had just wanted to hear Olivia's voice, to reassure herself that there was no need to be nervous, and that everything would be okay.

Olivia brought Alex's hand to her lips and kissed it, but didn't press the issue.

Alex smiled at the sweetness of Olivia's gesture, feeling a warmth spread through her. The warmth of safety, and love. This was where she belonged, right here, with Olivia. "When I was younger," she began hesitantly, then stopped. "When I was – I mean, my father –" She chanced a glance at Olivia, whose eyes were full of understanding.

"Alex, you don't have to –"

Alex shook her head. "I want to. I want you to know, now. I trust you and I love you and I need you to know what he did to me – and – and what I did to her. I need you to understand."

Olivia didn't say anything, just nodded and didn't release Alex's hand.

Alex smiled weakly. Olivia was just so amazing, and Olivia's own strength gave her the fortitude to continue. She took a deep breath and began again. "It started when I was seven. It was somewhat innocuous at first – he would take showers with me, even though I told him I was too old, and wash me." She shivered involuntarily. "His hand would always linger just a moment too long between my legs, but – but I was only six, I didn't understand. And then when I was seven, he – he came into my room one night and he touched me, all over. He used his fingers, inside me – it hurt so much, I thought I was going to die. There was – there was so much blood!"

She took another breath and glanced at Olivia, who was listening intently, a look in her eyes that Alex immediately recognized as love. It made her heart swell, and she knew she could continue with her story now. She had to tell Olivia. She could see in Olivia's eyes that Olivia loved her, and believed deep down that she always would.

"It was sporadic, then – when my mother was out of town, when Amanda was at school and my mother was at work and I wasn't feeling well. But as I got a bit older, it was more often, until it was almost every night. I was used to it by then – he'd touch me, make me touch him, digitally, orally – on my tenth birthday, he physically raped me for the first time. He'd used objects before, but he'd never actually done it himself. It hurt so much, and I was just so miserable – I tried to kill myself that night. With Tylenol. Obviously, I didn't take enough. I woke up in the hospital. I was probably safer there than I was at home."

She looked up at Olivia again and saw the tears running down Olivia's cheeks. Alex gently brushed them away, and Olivia stroked Alex's other hand, silently encouraging her to continue.

"When I was nine, I hurt Amanda for the first time. I was angry at her. It was silly, but I blamed her for not being there. Back then, it was just when she and my mother were out that he would hurt me. She cried, and I just – I just kept going, did what he did, and it made me feel good, but then it made me feel horrible, like a perp. But I kept doing it. And one time – my mother and Amanda had been away for the weekend. My mother had taken Amanda to Disney for her birthday, and I was all alone with my father. He had his friends over. He – he let them take their turns. It was awful, just so awful – and when she came back I was so angry at her. I hurt her. I always did, after that. When I was hurting her, I wasn't the victim anymore. I had power. I needed it, then."

Olivia nodded and caressed Alex's arm, still not saying a word.

"Don't cry," Alex said softly, kissing Olivia's cheek. "Don't cry, sweetheart. Please. I just – I trust you. I love you. I wanted you to hear it from me. I wanted you to know. Now you do."

Olivia was finding it difficult to speak, and she swallowed hard. "I don't think any less of you."

Alex met her eyes. "I know. And thank you."

"Oh, baby, baby." Olivia pulled over into a parking lot and unbuckled her seatbelt so she could reach over and hug Alex. "Oh, baby, I love you so much. You don't know how much it hurts me to think of someone hurting you like that, ever."

Alex returned the hug, appreciating the comfort Olivia was offering, even though she knew in her head that she was okay, that Olivia still loved her, that she was safe, that no one would ever hurt her again, that Olivia didn't blame her for what she'd done.

Olivia tightened her grip on Alex. "Let me hold you for awhile, baby," she said quietly, pressing a kiss to the crown of Alex's head. "Please. I need you in my arms."

Alex was more than happy to oblige. She wished she could stay in Olivia's arms forever. She felt so safe here, like nothing and no one could ever hurt her. The thought was both invigorating and terrifying at the same time.

Alex's POV

"Hold me, Mommy," I whispered, holding out my arms to her. I was in so much pain after my father had hurt me, for the first time. My mother had come into my room to check on me in the middle of the night and found my sheets soaked. I'd wet the bed, for the first time in years.

She didn't even notice the blood.

She pushed away my outstretched arms. "Alexandra, you're not a baby anymore. You're too old for this." Instead of comforting me, as I needed then, she yanked me to my feet. "Change the sheets."

"But Mommy – Mommy –"

Before I knew it, I was over her lap and she was spanking me, hard. I began to cry, as much out of shock as out of pain. I hadn't meant to wet the bed, and my mother hadn't spanked me in years. That was when I knew that this was all my fault, that I was dirty. That I was _bad_.

Amanda's POV

"Hold me, Mommy," I whispered, holding my arms out to her. "Lexi hurted me, Mommy. It hurts."

"Oh, baby." Mommy lifted me onto her lap and rubbed gentle circles into my back. "I don't know why she's so mean to you, baby. You never do anything to her. You're a good girl, Amanda. A very good girl." Mommy kissed my forehead. "She's just jealous of you, that's all."

"But Mommy, you said Daddy punished her, so she wouldn't hurt me again."

"I'll have Daddy punish her again. She isn't allowed to hurt you, baby. If she ever does, you've got to come tell me or Daddy, and we'll make sure she's punished. Eventually she'll learn that hurting you is not acceptable."

"But Mommy, she just gets madder. She showed me bruises once, and she said they were my fault, and she hurted me more. That's not true."

"No, it isn't, baby. She has to learn. That's all."

I sniffled and curled into my mother's embrace. I didn't know why Alex insisted on doing this, to both of us. I just wished she'd stop.

**Review for chapter fifteen!**


	15. Chapter 15

**I just realized I'd forgotten to upload the last part of this chapter. Whoops. Here it is.**

That night, Alex couldn't sleep. She knew that tomorrow she would be going back to work, back to throwing rapists and child abusers in jail. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to handle it anymore, now that Olivia knew she was a perp too.

Olivia noticed Alex's tossing and turning and reached out to take Alex's hand. Alex smiled gratefully, appreciating the contact. She didn't want to be held right now – she was too dirty to lie in Olivia's arms, after all that she'd done and all Olivia knew – but she could hold Olivia's hand. That was more than enough.

"I know today was tough for you, Alex," Olivia said, caressing Alex's hand with the pad of her thumb. "And I just want you to know that I'm very proud of you and I love you very much."

Alex smiled. Olivia always knew just what to say. "Thank you, Olivia," she said quietly, giving Olivia's hand a squeeze.

"Thank _you _for trusting me enough to talk to me about everything."

Alex looked away. "Not everything."

"A lot, then. You don't have to tell me anything else until you're ready, and I'm here to listen when you are."

Alex bit her lip. She didn't think she'd ever be ready to tell Olivia her most shameful secret, the thing that had finally pushed her to leave home when she was sixteen. She hadn't had a choice. And after all she'd done to her sister, she knew there was no longer a place for her in that house. Her mother wasn't going to help her, so she had needed to help herself.

She'd run, all the way to New York City. She'd just gotten on a bus and left. She knew the city well – her aunt and uncle lived here, after all, and so did her grandparents. But she didn't try to find them. She knew they would make her go home, and she didn't have one anymore. But she couldn't tell them. She couldn't tell anyone.

She did what she had to do, learned the streets, did everything she could to get by. And when her father's attorney came to inform Alex of his death, she was surprised at how easily the lawyer had found her. She hadn't hidden herself all that well – it was simply that no one had bothered to look.

Her father had left her money, more money than she'd seen in three years. Blood money, payment for the blood he'd coaxed from her small body twelve long, miserable years ago. But she'd taken it. She had to start over.

She'd used that money for law school, where she'd done her best, been at the top of every class. She'd made a name for herself after that. Her uncle had connections, and he had helped her get her first job with the New York District Attorney's Office. She had worked hard and earned every promotion from then on.

She had never spoken to her mother or Amanda again.

She couldn't tell Olivia any of this. It was her pain, pain that she had brought upon herself, and she didn't deserve to share the burden with anyone else. And she remembered how hearing her story – parts of it – had affected Olivia this morning. She didn't want to upset Olivia anymore, at least not today. It was just too much. They both had work in the morning, and she didn't want Olivia to stay up with her tonight and be tired in the morning. It wouldn't be right to ask that of her.

"Baby?"

Olivia's voice startled Alex from her thoughts, and she rolled over to face her girlfriend. "Yes?"

Olivia reached over to wrap an arm around Alex. "Stay here with me, okay?"

Alex nodded and leaned into Olivia, resting her head on Olivia's chest. "I love you," she whispered.

Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "Love you, too, sweetheart. Forever." Tentatively, she began to rub Alex's back, becoming more confident as Alex relaxed into the touch. "I will always be here for you, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter what you did or others did to you in the past. I would never blame you for any of that, baby."

"But it was my fault," Alex said, her voice barely audible.

"No, Alex, it wasn't. You know that, baby. Abuse is _never _the victim's fault."

"I hurt Amanda. What I did to her wasn't her fault. It was mine."

"Alex, you were a child. You were just doing to her what had been done to you. It's a bad situation all around, but it's not your fault."

Alex turned to face her girlfriend. "Olivia, if Amanda had come in to the station when she was ten and said her fourteen-year-old sister was sexually abusing her, what would you have done?"

Olivia didn't answer.

"That's what I thought." Alex tried to pull out of Olivia's arms, but Olivia didn't let her, instead tightening her grasp on Alex.

"Alex, it doesn't matter what I would have done. What matters is that we're here now, and I love you, and you're safe. I know you're a good person. You've helped so many people, baby."

Alex closed her eyes. "Oh, Liv," was all she could say on a sigh.

Olivia kissed Alex's neck. "Sleep, baby. We don't have to discuss this right now if you don't want to. And we've both got work in the morning. You're going to be tired."

"I'm sorry for keeping you up," Alex whispered, ducking her head in shame.

"Alex, look at me. Please." Once she was sure she had Alex's full attention, Olivia said, "I'm more than happy to be here for you in whatever way I can. You don't ever have to feel guilty about that, okay? I love you, and this is what people who love each other do."

"I don't do enough for you. You do everything for me."

"Even if you don't want to admit it, you need me now, Alex, and I want to be here for you. There's no need to feel bad about that. You give me everything you can, and even if that's not the same as what someone else could give me, I would rather have anything from you than everything from anyone else."

Alex sighed and curled closer to Olivia. "I'm sorry," she said again, a tear slipping down her cheek.

Olivia kissed her cheek. "It's okay, Alex, really. You have nothing to be sorry for. I love you no matter what, baby. Try to remember that, okay?"

Alex nodded and clung to her girlfriend. "Okay," she murmured, burying her face in Olivia's chest.

Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair. "Try to sleep now, baby. I'll be right here when you wake up."

Alex's POV

I was surrounded by people, and still I was alone. Nurses and doctors rushed in and out of my hospital room, and my mother sat beside me, clutching my hand for the first time in years. "Breathe, baby," she said, squeezing my hand tightly as I winced in pain. "Just breathe. I know it hurts, but it'll be over soon."

That sounded like something she would have said if she'd watched my father hurt me, and I grimaced, extricating my hand from her grasp as another wave of pain rippled through me.

My father stood a few feet away, watching, his face impassive. "The boy who did this to you," he said quietly, "they want his name. I want his name."

_There was no boy! _I wanted to scream.

But I didn't.

Amanda's POV

I was surrounded by people, and still I was alone. Everyone was cooing over our new baby sister, lavishing attention upon her, gushing over her and covering her with kisses. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends. "You look so good for just three weeks after having a baby!" they all exclaimed.

I couldn't stand to listen to them anymore. Alex was lying in her bedroom, too "sick" to join the party. Sure she was. I was only ten, but I wasn't stupid. I knew this whole thing was a farce.

I excused myself from the party, saying that I wasn't feeling well, that maybe I was coming down with whatever Alex had. My father's eyes followed me out of the room, and for the first time, I understood what Alex meant when she said he made her uncomfortable. She'd never told me why, but now, I understood.

I mounted the stairs and knocked on her bedroom door. She didn't answer, but I went in anyway.

Alex was lying on her bed, and I would have thought she was asleep if I didn't see how tightly her fists were clenched.

She beckoned me toward her, and I sat down on the bed beside her, crossing my legs and reaching out to take her hand.

She smiled slightly. "Looking for some attention?"

"No. I just didn't want to be down there anymore."

"You're not finding any sympathy here."

I just gazed at her for a moment, then moved closer to my sister and gave her hand a squeeze. "I'll keep your secret," I said quietly.

She rolled onto her side. "You shouldn't."

"I have to." I felt tears rushing to my eyes at the sight of her. With the understanding of what had transpired came more pain than I'd ever felt in my life, even when she hurt me. "Alex, I'm sorry."

She sighed. "Welcome to adulthood, Amanda."

**Review for chapter sixteen!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Just in case you didn't realize it, I forgot to update the last part of chapter fifteen. I added it a few days ago at the end, so if you didn't read it, you might not understand some of this.**

The next day at work, Alex couldn't focus. She was jumpy and restless, and finally at 3:00, she decided to give up and just went home.

Olivia found her there a few hours later. Alex was curled up on the couch, burrowed deep in a blanket and Olivia's NYPD hoodie and nursing a cup of tea.

"Hey, baby," Olivia said quietly, leaning down to press her lips to Alex's forehead. "Are you okay? I thought you were working late. Are you not feeling well?"

Alex sighed and took a sip of tea. "I'm okay."

Olivia sat down beside her girlfriend, lifting Alex's feet to make room and setting them on her lap. Olivia smiled and started to give Alex a foot rub, which made Alex smile too.

"I guess you're the antidote to high heels," Alex said, relaxing into Olivia's touch.

Olivia chuckled. "I guess I am."

They sat in silence for a moment before Alex sat up and said, "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you talk to Amanda?"

"No. I told her we couldn't do anything for her."

Alex sighed. "I left Amanda all alone there, Liv. I knew what he would do to her. I just didn't care."

"You mean when you ran away?"

"I knew he would hurt her. At least if he was hurting me, he wouldn't touch her. But I just couldn't let it happen again. I had to leave. I couldn't protect Amanda. I was such a horrible sister. I hurt her, then I left her, and let him hurt her."

"Alex, you had to protect yourself. What your father did to her wasn't your fault."

"I could have told someone, anyone. Not for myself, but for her. I should have told someone, if only so she would be safe. But I was selfish. I didn't."

"Alex, you were little."

"I was sixteen."

"You can't blame yourself for what happened, if anything happened."

Alex's heart ached. She knew that wasn't all, that if fate hadn't taken the turn it did, a lot worse could have happened. Not just to Amanda, either. And that, at least was her responsibility. If anything had happened, it would have been her fault.

The streets hadn't been fun, but they had been better, after the first few months. She'd found a boy with a small apartment in Chelsea, and all she needed to do to share it was sleep with him. After all she'd done in the months before, it was a small price to pay. She should have brought Amanda with her. They had a pull-out couch. Amanda could have stayed with them, and she would have been safe.

She should have brought Andrea with her. That would have been the best thing for her to do, the right thing for her to do. But she didn't.

Alex's POV

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. _One, two, three, four, five . . ._ _breathe, just breathe_. I looked down at the object I held in my hand.

The world started spinning as I recognized the plus sign and what it meant. _Oh, not again, not again_. I wouldn't let him do this to me again.

And that's when I realized I had to leave.

Amanda's POV

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. When I opened them, nothing had changed. Alex was still gone. Andrea, Mom, and Dad were still sitting at the kitchen table with me. Andrea was still in her high chair, smearing mashed potatoes into her wispy blonde hair. My mother lifted her out of her high chair and carried her to the sink. "Andrea, don't _do _that," she said, just as she said every night that Andrea did this.

Andrea just stared up at her with innocent blue eyes.

"Alexandra is dead to us," my father said to me again. "You are never to mention her name again, Amanda."

I nodded mutely. It was all I could do.

I hated my sister. She hadn't touched me in two years, but I still hated her. She'd run, saved herself, been selfish as always, and left me to take on the consequences.

I would leave too, as soon as I could. But what would happen to Andrea then?

She was Alex's responsibility, not mine. I could do what Alex did. I could leave and protect myself. I had to. To protect Andrea, and all the future Andreas. I was no good to anyone here.

**Review for chapter seventeen!**


	17. Chapter 17

Alex started awake in the middle of the night, drenched in a cold sweat and breathing hard. "Liv," she whispered, sitting up in bed and kicking off the sheets. She rolled over to check the clock – 4:02. "It was just a dream," she murmured to herself. "Just a dream. He can't hurt you anymore."

She felt Olivia roll over beside her and her girlfriend's arms snake around her. "Baby?" Olivia said groggily. "What is it?"

"Nothing. Just a bad dream." Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder as her breathing slowly returned to normal. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"It's okay." Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair. "You know I'm here for you no matter what time it is."

Alex shifted closer to Olivia. Here in her girlfriend's arms, she felt safer than she'd ever felt in her life. She knew Olivia loved her and would protect her above all else. "I know."

Olivia pressed a kiss to her temple. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Liv."

Olivia held her for a few moments in silence. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What?"

"Your dream."

Alex shivered. "No." It had been about Andrea, about her father hurting her. She couldn't tell Olivia about Andrea.

She let her mind briefly wander to thoughts of Andrea. Andrea would be seventeen now. Alex wondered about her. She wondered if Andrea remembered her. She'd only been two when Alex had left. Did Andrea ever think about her? Did Andrea even know who she was?

Did Andrea know how she'd come to exist?

"No," she said again, almost to herself. She didn't want to talk about her dream, not ever. Not even to Olivia.

Alex's POV

I flipped through the photo album, pausing every few pages to smile at a memory. This photo album was precious to me – one of the only things I'd taken with me when I ran. There was a photo of little Andrea, nestled in my arms, and I felt a pang of regret as I always did when I thought of her. I knew I shouldn't have left her in that house. I shouldn't have left Amanda either, but she was older, stronger. She could take care of herself.

Andrea was so small, so fragile. And I'd known that my father would do to her just what he had done to me. She would be seven now, the same age as I was when he started hurting me. I should have protected her. He was gone now, had been for two years, but he could have hurt her anyway, before he died. I would never forgive myself if he had.

"Alex," my roommate, Abbie, called, startling me out of my thoughts, "Are you coming to the library with me or not? I'm going to leave without you."

"Just a minute."

I traced my fingers over the photo of Andrea, letting them flit across her tiny face. I missed her, this child who I'd barely known.

Abbie plopped herself down on the couch beside me. "That your sister?" she asked.

_No. _"Yes," I said.

"She looks like you."

I glanced at the photograph again. "Doesn't she?"

Amanda's POV

I flipped through the photo album, pausing every few pages to smile at a memory. There was a photo of Alex and me, when I was about four and she was about eight. Before everything had happened. Before things had gotten bad. We had our arms wrapped around each other and we were grinning. It was taken at Beausoliel Island, I think, when we were up at the cottage with our grandparents. We always loved it up there.

The next page was filled with photographs of my mother and me at Disney World. We'd gone there for my sixth birthday, just the two of us. It was probably the best trip we ever took.

I tried to push out of my mind what Alex had done to me when we got back.

There was another picture, of the whole family, before Andrea was born. I would have been five or six and Alex would have been nine or ten. My mother had me balanced on her hip and my head was resting on her shoulder. My father had his arm around Alex, and only now did I notice the way her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, the way she leaned slightly away from the contact, refusing to move toward him even as he pulled her close. _The happy family minus one._

I was startled from my thoughts by a knock on the door. "Come in," I called, although I didn't really want to. If it was my father, I was going to kill him. He had done this to Alex, to me. He'd deprived me of a sister for three years, and yes, he'd given me another one in her place, but that wasn't even a remotely honourable replacement.

It was Andrea, and she stepped into my room, closing the door behind her. "Mandy," she said innocently, climbing onto the bed beside me and sticking her thumb into her mouth. "Who's that?"

I slammed the photo album shut. "No one, Andy."

"She looks kinda like me."

That was true. The photo on the cover of the album was from eight years ago, when Alex was only eleven. As Andrea grew up, she was starting to resemble Alex more and more. Still, I never spoke of her. I couldn't.

"Take your thumb out of your mouth, Andy. You're too old to suck your thumb like a baby," I said instead.

She did as she was told, but pointed again to the title on the photo album. "How come it says Amanda and Alex instead of Andy and Mandy?"

_Andy and Mandy_. She didn't even remember that once there was an Alex, too.

**Review for chapter eighteen!**


	18. Chapter 18

A few nights later, Alex had a dream. Not a nightmare this time. A dream about Olivia, touching her so tenderly, kissing her all over, murmuring that she was beautiful and precious and loved so much. And surprisingly, Alex didn't feel afraid. She found that somewhere, deep down, even though she still had reservations, even through her fear, she wanted this. She really did. She wanted to let Olivia love her.

As her chest seized with anxiety at what this choice might mean, she focussed on Olivia's warm arms wrapped around her, promising comfort, safety, love. Tonight, she decided. Tonight, she would ask Olivia to make love to her. She trusted Olivia, and she knew the detective wouldn't hurt her. She knew Olivia would treat her gently, tenderly, carefully, lovingly, as she always had. And she wanted that. She craved it.

A/O/A/O

They were curled up on the couch that evening, watching a movie. Alex's head rested on Olivia's chest and the detective was threading her fingers through Alex's soft blonde hair. Alex purred in contentment as Olivia held her closer and pressed a kiss to her temple. She loved cuddling with Olivia like this, being so close to the woman she loved most in the world, and letting Olivia show her that touch could wonderful. With Olivia, it always was.

"Liv," Alex said quietly as the credits rolled. "Liv, I want to ask you something."

Olivia gave her a warm smile. "What is it, baby?"

"Liv." Alex bit her lip, hesitating for just a moment before she met Olivia's gaze, her voice not wavering as she said, "I want you to make love to me."

Olivia's eyes widened, and it took her a moment to reply. "Are you sure, Alex? Is this really what you want? It's not too soon?"

"Liv." Alex's face was set, her eyes filled with determination. "Liv, I want to do this. I don't want to be scared anymore."

"You're really sure, baby? We don't have to –"

"I do, I really do, I just – I don't want to feel dirty. That's how it's always felt, letting someone touch me like that. It – it hurts, Liv. It scares me. I feel out of control, and I just – I feel dirty and ashamed and scared and just _wrong_."

"I promise it won't be like that with us, Alex. I'll make it perfect for you. I want to treat you like the princess you are. I want to show you how this can be, how touch can be good, and how it can make you feel loved and safe instead of just afraid."

"You already have, Liv," Alex whispered, feeling tears rush to her eyes at her girlfriend's tender words.

Olivia reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "Remember, you say stop, I'll stop, no questions asked. I won't touch you if at any time you stop wanting me to."

"I think I can do this."

"Alex, you have nothing to prove."

"I know. I just – I want you touch me, Liv, I do. I'm just, I'm scared."

"What are you scared of, baby?" Olivia asked gently, stroking Alex's arm in an attempt to calm her slightly laboured breathing.

"I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel him. I – I want to feel _you_."

"Alex, we don't have to do this –"

"I want to."

"I promise, I will do whatever I can to make it good for you. I won't hurt you. This is about you, princess. You tell me what you want and I'll do it. If you need me to stop, I will. If you need a break, at any time, you can have it. Anything you need, Alex. This is for you. I want you to enjoy this. I want to show you that making love can be one of the best things in life, not the worst."

Alex let out a breath, suddenly unsure. This was really going to happen, and she just didn't know if she could handle it. "I'm just not sure if I can."

"If you can't right now, that's fine. You don't have to. If we need to stop and try again next week or next month or even next year, that's perfectly fine. I'm not rushing this."

"I love you so much, Liv, and I know you've wanted this for awhile –"

"Alex, this is about _you_. If you don't want it, we don't have to. It doesn't matter what I want. It matters what you want. I could never take any pleasure from forcing my touch on you when you're not comfortable."

"I know, I know. I just – I want to do this with you, for you, and let you do it for me." Alex's eyes found Olivia's again, begging for understanding. "Sex has just never been a good experience for me, Liv. I'm scared – but I want to try. I'm ready. I want you to make love to me. I want you to show me."

Olivia smiled. She was so proud of Alex. Even though they'd had a tough couple of weeks, Alex was being so brave now, and Olivia loved her so much. "I want to show you, too, baby," she said quietly, pressing a kiss to the crown of Alex's head and helping her sit up. "Want to take this to the bedroom?"

Alex smiled back at her and took Olivia's outstretched hand. She let her girlfriend lead her to the bedroom and sat down on the bed. "Liv," she said after a moment, almost ashamed to admit it. "I don't know what to do."

Olivia gave her a look full of tenderness, gentleness, _love_. "You don't have to do anything, princess. Just try to relax and let me do all the work. I promise I'll make it good for you, but if you need me to stop, just say so."

Alex nodded and lay back on the bed, trying to calm her body down. She was finding it difficult to breathe. She wanted this; really, she did, but she was still afraid.

Olivia noticed the slight trembling of Alex's body. "Alex, are you okay? If you don't want this –"

"I do. I do. I need it. Please, Liv."

Olivia nodded and sat down beside Alex on the bed. She gently slipped Alex's shirt over her head, slowly, so as not to startle or frighten her. The creamy skin of Alex's chest, the toned flesh of her abdomen, and the small, firm breasts, were absolutely beautiful, and Olivia laid a trail of kisses onto the exposed skin. After a few moments, she felt Alex begin to relax, and she ran her fingers up Alex's side, caressing her stomach, her collarbone, and finally her breasts, taking them into her hands and playing gently with them, massaging the flesh in her hands. "Is this okay?" she whispered, pressing a kiss to the underside of one breast.

Alex inhaled deeply and nodded. "It's good."

Olivia smiled and kissed Alex's other breast. She played with Alex's breasts for several more moments, taking care to keep her movements slow and gentle. "I love you," she whispered as she leaned over to press her lips to Alex's. Alex gladly returned the kiss, wrapping her arms around Olivia's neck as their tongues explored each other's mouths.

When they broke apart, Olivia held Alex's gaze as her fingers moved from Alex's breasts to the waistband of her pyjama pants. "May I?" she asked, not breaking eye contact.

Alex took a deep breath and nodded again. "Yes."

Olivia inched Alex's pyjama pants down her legs and set them down on the bed beside her. She'd promised to make this good for Alex, and she would. She would be careful and loving and gentle and make it perfect for the woman she loved.

She kissed Alex again, tenderly, loving the connection they shared, loving that Alex was letting her do this for her, loving the trust it represented. When she pulled back from the kiss, she returned her attention to Alex's breasts, again caressing the flesh in her hands before leaning down to take an erect nipple into her mouth. She sucked gently before looking back up at Alex, searching her eyes for any hesitation or fear. Finding none, she sucked harder on Alex's nipple, watching the baby blues visibly dilate. She pulled back after a moment. "Are you okay, baby? Does that feel all right?"

Alex nodded. "It feels good, Liv," she said, almost in wonderment. "You feel good."

Olivia smiled and brought her lips to Alex's other nipple, teasing it with her tongue. Alex was so beautiful, especially like this, and Olivia loved it. She loved Alex. She would love her forever if Alex would let her.

As Olivia trailed one of her hands downward, down Alex's stomach, toward her pelvis, Alex's breathing hitched and Olivia felt her body tense. She immediately pulled back. "Alex, do you want to take a break? If you're not okay –"

"I'm fine." Alex swallowed hard. "I am, Liv. Please, everything you're doing feels wonderful. Touch me."

Olivia smiled again. She could never deny Alex anything when she asked so earnestly. She let her fingers move down, avoiding Alex's centre, instead trailing up and lightly scratching her inner thigh. "Is that all right?"

Alex nodded and opened her legs slightly. "You can touch me, Liv. You can."

Olivia finally allowed her hand to stray to where Alex wanted her touch, where she wanted to touch Alex. She cupped Alex's mound for a moment, then stroked her girlfriend's folds, still being gentle and careful and watching Alex's face for anything that might be in protest. "You're still okay?"

Alex nodded again, and Olivia continued to explore the soft folds, pleasantly surprised at the wetness she found there.

"Alex, do you want me inside you?" Olivia asked, holding her girlfriend's gaze, not wanting to overstep her boundaries.

Alex seemed to consider for a moment before shaking her head. "I don't think I can, not now. I'm sorry, Olivia."

Olivia smiled tenderly at her and pressed a kiss to Alex's folds. "That's fine, Alex. That's perfectly fine. I love you and I am so, so proud of you. I want you to know that."

"I do. I do know that."

"Good." Olivia kissed Alex's mound and darted her tongue out to lightly flick Alex's clit. Alex's body jumped, but it clearly wasn't in protest this time, and Olivia smiled against Alex's flesh.

Within a few minutes, Alex's body was shaking with her orgasm, and when her body stilled, she lay back on the bed and closed her eyes, a blissful smile on her lips. Olivia immediately lay down beside her and took Alex into her arms, holding her close, cradling her, protecting her.

"Was that all right?" she whispered.

Alex reached her arms out to wrap around Olivia's neck. "It was perfect."

Alex's POV

I sat out on the street corner, keeping my head down. I was too ashamed to meet anyone's eyes. Daniel had sent me out a few hours ago, to make money for his next fix. He fed and clothed me after all, and let me share his place. It was the least I could do. At least panhandling was slightly more honourable than prostitution.

It was cold outside, but he'd told me I couldn't wear the coat he'd bought for me last week. "Better if you look cold and hungry and tired and just pathetic," he said. "They won't pay you if you look like you have too much. You're a pretty girl. You'll make the money fast."

So I sat on the curb, shivering in the cold, a cup in front of me for passersby to drop money in. After all I'd done and let others do to me over the past few months and years, I hardly even felt shame anymore. I was just numb.

"Such a pretty girl," one woman said, clicking her tongue at me as she pulled her little girl past. I watched their shoes, the woman's stilettos and the child's mary janes, as they passed me. "What a shame."

I kept my eyes on the ground, convinced that she could see through me, see how dirty I was. So dirty that I'd let my father have sex with me for years, then done the same to my sister. So dirty that I'd sold my body to nameless, faceless men, just so I'd be able to afford to eat. So dirty that I'd give myself to Daniel, every night, because he provided the roof over my head and the food in my belly.

I kept my head down all the time now.

Amanda's POV

I sat out on the street corner, keeping my head down. I needed to clear my head. Andrea was asleep on my lap, but I knew she wouldn't stay that way for long. As soon as she awoke, she'd be whining again that she wanted to go home. And I needed to determine where we were headed before that happened.

I couldn't let him hurt me again. Today, the crimson stain in my underpants had terrified me, proven that I was not immortal, and that what had happened to Alex could now happen to me, too. I couldn't bring another Andrea into this world, another child for him to hurt.

Andrea stirred a moment later and stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Mandy, I wanna go home."

I groaned and shoved her off my lap. "Go home, then."

Her huge eyes met mine. "Aren't you coming with?"

"No, Andy. Go home yourself."

She burst into tears. "No, Mandy! Stay with me!" She tugged on my hand, begging me not to leave her.

I couldn't. I wouldn't do what Alex had done. I just couldn't.

I lifted my sister onto my hip. "I'm not going anywhere, Andy," I said, and carried her down to street to our house, to face our fate.

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	19. Chapter 19

Alex woke up the next morning with determination in her mind. She needed to talk to Amanda. She had to fix things with her sister, at least. She knew she couldn't fix things with Andrea – it was far too late for that. She'd left when the little girl was only two, and she would never be able to forgive herself for that. She was sure Andrea would never be able to forgive her. But Amanda, at least, would understand. Amanda knew why she'd left. She'd been twelve at the time, no longer a child. She'd known. And Alex couldn't help the sense of betrayal she felt that her sister hadn't helped her. Alex couldn't have expected her to, of course, but it still hurt. Maybe she'd been trying to punish her sister by leaving her alone there. But not Andrea. She'd never meant to punish Andrea. Andrea was an innocent little girl who had never done anything wrong. Other than be born. To a mother who didn't want her and couldn't take care of her as a mother should.

Alex carefully disentangled herself from Olivia's arms and got out of bed. Olivia groaned and reached blindly for her, still asleep. Alex kissed Olivia's cheek and brushed her hair lovingly back from her girlfriend's forehead. Olivia had been so good to her last night, made Alex feel so special and beautiful and loved and _safe_. Olivia had given her the strength she needed to do this.

She padded to the kitchen and picked up the phone. She sat down at the table for several long moments, just staring at the phone in her hands. Could she really do this? Would Amanda even give her a moment of her time? It would be more than she deserved.

With shaking hands, Alex dialed Amanda's phone number and held her breath. One ring. Two. And then – "Hello?"

Alex exhaled. "Amanda, it's – it's Alex."

"What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you. To see you. Please. I – I know you don't owe me anything –"

"That's right. I don't."

"But I want to see you."

"No."

Alex sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You have my number. If you change your mind, do you think you could give me a call?"

"I won't."

"Okay, but – Amanda?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

There was a pregnant pause. "You're fifteen years too late."

Alex heard the dial tone in her ear and knew Amanda had hung up the phone, but she didn't move. She couldn't. She knew Amanda was right. She never should have hurt her sister. And her apology was fifteen years too late.

Alex's POV

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to go somewhere else in my mind. _This is your choice_, I tried to tell myself. _Your choice. He can't hurt you anymore. You are in control here._

It wasn't true. I needed to eat, and I knew if I could afford a couple cups of coffee, I could spend the night at Starbucks instead of on the street. It was raining and almost below freezing, and I couldn't sleep out there again. If I bought a coffee, I could spend the night warm and relatively safe at the 24 hour Starbucks across from Foley Square. There was a woman who worked the night shift there who knew me and felt sorry for me, and if I bought something every few hours, she'd let me stay the night.

So I needed to make some money, and fast. I'd spent most of the day panhandling, but I'd only made a few lousy bucks. It was amazing how quickly my dignity disappeared around here. Three weeks ago, the wealthy, sophisticated, elegant daughter of Edward and Victoria Cabot wouldn't have been caught dead begging for money. How quickly the mighty fall.

Tonight, though, I wasn't begging. I was doing worse. As I felt the third customer of the evening thrust into me, fast and rough, I tried not to let my mind replace this man with my father. But after the first few men I'd let have sex with me, they all started to feel the same.

Amanda's POV

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to go somewhere else in my mind. This was my _father_, and I knew he shouldn't be touching me like this. When Alex did it, it was bad enough, but this was the man who was supposed to love me and protect me above all else. How could he have protected me from Alex, when he was doing the same thing to her, and now to me?

Now I knew how Alex must have felt, for however many years, and I hadn't helped her. How could I blame her for leaving?

**Review for chapter twenty!**


	20. Chapter 20

"Alex?"

Alex jumped and dropped the phone she still held in her hands. She whirled around and saw Olivia standing in the doorway. She dropped her eyes, too ashamed to meet Olivia's concerned gaze.

Olivia was by her side in an instant. She pulled Alex into her arms and held her, covering the top of her head with a series of kisses. "What's wrong, baby? What is it?"

Alex clung to her and didn't say anything. She couldn't.

Olivia tried to rub Alex's back, but Alex pushed her hands away. She couldn't stand Olivia touching her right now. It felt wrong. Her girlfriend's hands morphed into her father's, violating her, touching her against her will, marring her skin. She'd tried to replace those memories with the one from last night, of Olivia touching her so gently and tenderly and making her feel safe and beautiful and loved, but she couldn't. The pain was still there, in the back of her mind, and she couldn't get rid of it no matter how hard she tried to.

Olivia pulled her hand away as quickly as if she'd been burned. "Alex, what happened? What's the matter? What can I do?"

Alex slid to the ground, needing Olivia's hands off her right now. She knew Olivia meant to comfort her, but she didn't want to be touched. She couldn't bear to feel his hands on her again.

Olivia sat down on the floor beside her, not touching Alex, but regarding her with concern. "Princess, about last night –"

"No, it's not that."

"Then what is it? Talk to me, baby, please. Please tell me what's wrong."

Alex finally raised her head, her glassy eyes meeting Olivia's. "Amanda."

With that one word, Olivia understood. "Oh, baby –"

"She doesn't want to talk to me, and Liv, I can't even blame her. I never should have hurt her, or left her, or made her take care of –" Alex clamped her lips shut before she said too much. She couldn't tell Olivia about Andrea.

"Made her take care of who, sweetheart?"

Alex wrapped her arms around herself. "No one. It doesn't matter."

"I think it does, baby," Olivia said gently. "Who was Amanda taking care of?"

Alex bit her lip. "My father. She was the only one there, the only one there for him to hurt. I know he did, and I couldn't – I didn't – I wasn't there, I didn't help her, I didn't stop it, I didn't tell someone."

"Alex –"

"No, you don't understand! I left her there for my father to hurt, she was my responsibility, I shouldn't have –"

"Sweetie, she wasn't your responsibility, and whatever might have happened wasn't your fault. What your father may have done was his own sickness, not yours."

Alex shook her head, thinking of Andrea's dimples, her beautifully crooked baby teeth, her sparkling blue eyes. "She was my baby," Alex said softly, almost to herself.

Olivia gave her a sad smile. "You were close with her, weren't you?"

Alex spoke flatly, as if she'd forgotten Olivia was in the room with her. "I wish I'd had more time with her, to get to know her. I wish I'd been there to protect her. I should have been there to protect her."

"Alex, you left to protect yourself. You had to."

"I left when I was sixteen, Liv. I could have done something so no one else would get hurt."

Olivia hesitated, wondering if she should even ask her next question. "What pushed you to leave?"

Alex looked away from Olivia. "I was pregnant. I couldn't have my father's child."

Olivia's breath caught in her throat. "Oh, baby," was all she could say. There were no words for this.

"I needed an abortion. I couldn't bring that baby into the world. I – I knew what would happen. I couldn't let it happen again. And then I lived on the street for three years. Then my father died – he killed himself. His lawyer found me, told me that my father had left me money. I took it, used it for law school, started over. My uncle helped me. I made a new life for myself, here. I never spoke to them ever again. I couldn't. I had to leave that life behind. I was never going to be that scared little girl ever again."

Olivia's eyes filled with tears at Alex's story. She was so brave, so strong – and Olivia had never known about this. She wished she could take Alex's pain away for her, and shoulder it herself. She loved Alex so much.

Alex noticed the moisture welling up in Olivia's eyes and felt immediately guilty. Ignoring her own feelings for the moment, she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. "Don't cry, sweetheart. Please don't cry for me."

"I love you, Alex. I can't – it hurts me to think of someone hurting you. How _could _anyone ever hurt you? I just don't understand."

"Oh, Liv. We see it every day."

"It's different, Alex. It's _you_. I just wish there was something I could do."

"You've done more for me than anyone ever has. You've been here for me. You've listened. You –" Alex's breath caught. "You _love _me. No one has ever loved me before."

"That makes me so sad, Alex. But I'm here now." She smiled weakly. "We'll make up for lost time."

Alex's POV

I stared up at the ceiling of the bedroom and tried to make myself invisible. How had my life turned into this? How had I turned into this girl, this weak, terrified girl who was completely alone in the world? This girl who had sold her body for food and shelter, and continued to do so, with Daniel. I got the pull-out couch, except when he wanted me close. Tonight was one of those nights. He'd taken me over and over, at regular intervals throughout the night. I guess it was different than what my father had done – Daniel didn't want to hurt me. He wanted to fuck me, but he didn't want to hurt me. It wasn't the same. Other than that, Daniel just wanted his next fix.

It was a simple existence.

Amanda's POV

I stared up at the ceiling of the bedroom and tried to make myself invisible. My father was on top of me, grunting as he thrust into me. I kept as still as I could, but I couldn't help the tears coursing down my cheeks and the thought that popped into my mind that this was Alex's fault. She should have been a good sister and taken this pain for me.

And yet, I had not done that for her.

**Review for chapter twenty-one!**


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